just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I think about this a lot
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes