Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I missed you with all my darts
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.