[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
my dad has had enough
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes