11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.