Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
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They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
want me to check your oil?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Need WebMD
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.