I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
❤️🦆
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead