ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
You Might Also Like
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”