professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
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I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI