I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
For those that worship cheese..
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification