Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
stop
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha