You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.