peak technology
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.