My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Always
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I have never related to a cat more
6. me as a lawyer
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?