Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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Passwords are more important than ever.
How to wake up a Beagle
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla