[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Tremendous stuff
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.