*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Happy Friday
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human