The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.