The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
*lint rolls you awake*
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.