I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
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[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.