6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk