pls suprot
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day