“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon