I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?