before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster