[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.