Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
this could fix me
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms