[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
when someone rings the doorbell
#SaturdayBears
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.