imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.