Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
You Might Also Like
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰