I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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[first date]
date: i鈥檓 an optimist
me: wow i鈥檝e never met a transformer before
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW鈥橲 EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I鈥橫 GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She鈥檚 fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he鈥檒l end up normal.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
We didn鈥檛 need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me: I won鈥檛 eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*