what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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3% human
97% stress
live long and prosper!
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable