Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
You Might Also Like
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.