me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
how it started vs how it ended
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.