[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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Morningbreath
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.