the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Accurate
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.