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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
when there are deer in the woods
Owl Sanctuary
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
“That’s what” – She
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
that’s really how it is