my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
(more comics:
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it