911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF