Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
You Might Also Like
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
real
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.