Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.