The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.