12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
work smarter, not harder
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”