4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I want what they have
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.