I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
first you must answer his riddles
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?