me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
What the hell happened here.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
you gotta be faster
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.