WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins