Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
All excellent questions
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”