If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Bit chilly again tonight.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
not for long
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
There are usually two types of merchants.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.