For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
What is going on? 😅
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…