Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You Might Also Like
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
This is so me 😂😂
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.